


Unwinding

by zonerunner



Series: Grow As We Go [2]
Category: The Politician (Netflix), The Politician (TV)
Genre: M/M, McAfee truly only wants what's best for Payton, Payton and McAfee's friendship is so good, Payton has OCD, Pre-canon/canon-compliant, River is alive
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-29
Updated: 2019-09-29
Packaged: 2020-11-07 15:17:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20819465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zonerunner/pseuds/zonerunner
Summary: Ever since he was young, Payton has had his life planned out to a T. Needless to say, this plan did not involve his frankly weird obsessions, not to mention cheating on his girlfriend with someone of the same gender. Someone who was already in a relationship to begin with. Payton needs a way to regain control and get back on track. McAfee, more perceptive than he realised, gives him some advice, but whether Payton has the guts to follow her advice remains to be seen.This can be read as a stand-alone work, but it'll make more sense if you read part one first.





	Unwinding

Payton woke to the familiar, soothing sound of his alarm. Just like every morning, he reached over to turn it off, but hesitated when he saw the time. 7:20AM. River had suggested that he try setting his alarm to an even-numbered time as a way of overcoming his irrational aversion to even numbers. Of course, River hadn’t called it irrational, but Payton knew it was. This wasn’t how a politician should think. Still, he couldn’t ignore the fact that it was twenty minutes past seven. He couldn’t even rationalise it by saying it was eleven minutes earlier than he usually woke up, because the number eleven felt too even - two ones. It just felt so completely wrong.

7:21AM. A number with a seven and a one. That was okay, right? Payton breathed deeply and switched off his alarm. The house was too silent. He tried to count off good things in his head, to balance out the time. His mother would probably be awake by now, which meant three people in the house were still sleeping. That was good. If he counted lunch, he had seven periods in the school day. Also good. He glanced to his left. There were three electric appliances on his bedside table: laptop, lamp, phone. Good.

He sighed. The whole point of what River and him were trying to do was for him to be less tense. He needed to unwind. How was he meant to focus on getting into Harvard if he was losing his mind?

Still, though, he waited until 7:31 to get out of bed, just to be safe.

As Payton walked into school, he spotted Alice standing by his locker. He smiled. No matter what was going on, seeing her never failed to make his day at least a little better. He greeted her with a hug.

“Good morning,” Payton hummed contentedly. “How are you feeling today?”

“Good,” Alice said, pulling back. “I’m looking forward to summer.”

“Me too,” Payton said as he collected what he needed from his locker. “I was thinking, when we’re not busy planning the campaign, we could maybe go on a short road trip, or camping maybe.”

“That sounds fun,” Alice agreed. “Going somewhere just the four of us.”

Payton froze. He hadn’t even considered that - the idea had come to him as he drove to school just minutes earlier. He couldn’t go on a trip where there would be four people. He’d have to ask River to come - but no one could know about the two of them. Anyway, if River came, then Astrid would have to come, and six was still an even number, although not as bad as four.

“Payton?” Alice touched his shoulder lightly, concerned.

“Fine. I’m fine. Let’s go.” Payton shrugged her off and started walking, hoping Alice would follow. Of course she did, and dropped the subject.

In homeroom, while James and Alice were absorbed in conversation, Payton was silent, trying to ignore the now almost overwhelming unease he still felt from having woken up at the wrong time.

McAfee leaned over to him, breaking him out of his thoughts. “Did you see River yesterday?”

Payton’s blood ran cold as he thought of his confessions to River the previous day, not to mention the kiss they’d shared, one of many. Did McAfee know about that? She couldn’t, she had no way of knowing. What if she’d figured it out somehow? McAfee was loyal, she would never tell the whole school he could feel like that about someone of the same gender. Would she?

“Payton?”

“Hm?”

“I just meant, because he teaches you Mandarin.”

“Oh. Of course you did. Yes, he came to my house, and we studied Mandarin. That’s all.” The words came out a little more defensively than he would have liked.

McAfee looked at him for a moment, as though she were about to say something else. To Payton’s immense relief, she didn’t. “Okay,” she said, but Payton’s hopes were immediately dashed when she asked to drive back with him after school, citing that she wanted to talk to him.

“Um. Sure, okay. Didn’t you drive this morning?”

“James drove me in.”

She’d planned this. She knew something was going on between him and River and now she was going to tell the whole school.

“Okay,” Payton agreed.

Seven awful periods later, counting lunch, Payton and McAfee were alone in Payton’s car, on their way to McAfee’s so Payton could drop her off. For a few minutes, neither of them spoke, both sensing the tension between them. Finally, McAfee broke the silence.

“Look, I know something’s going on between you and River.”

Payton swerved, almost hitting another car. Quickly, he regained his composure. “What?”

McAfee sighed. “Payton, I’ve known you since you were eight. You can drop the act. Are you gay?”

“No, no, I’m not gay. I don’t have anything going on with River. He has a girlfriend, why would you even accuse me of that?” Payton looked at her sharply, barely aware of how he was tapping his index finger on the steering wheel in short bursts of seven.

“Payton, it’s okay if you are. I’m not mad, I won’t tell anyone. I swear.” McAfee looked him in the eye, serious and earnest. “I’m completely loyal to you, Payton. I just want to know.”

“What I do with my personal life is none of your concern, McAfee,” Payton muttered, gliding to a stop at a red light.

“So you admit then that you and River are having an affair?”

Payton’s gripped the wheel tightly. He exhaled. “Fine. Yes.” He made eye contact with her. “But you cannot tell anyone. Not even James or Alice, do you understand? If this gets out-”

“I know. I won’t tell anyone.” A beat. “You know that if this got out, people would be mad because both of you are already in separate relationships, not because you’re gay, right?”

“I’m not gay. I love Alice too, trust me. It’s… complicated.”

McAfee studied him for a moment, then nodded. “I believe you. But do you understand what I’m saying?”

Payton paused. “Yes.”

“Good,” McAfee said. “Are you happy with him?”

The question threw Payton off. Was he happy? River made him vulnerable in a way no one else had ever been able to. The way River kissed him was a confirmation that the attractions he had felt since childhood were not just not wrong, they were so right. Their love was different to his and Alice’s - Alice made him feel happy and content, but River made him feel warm and alive. He loved them both, and the guilt that ignited within him whenever he so much as thought of River by far outweighed any physical or emotional pleasure the boy could ever give him. He was only truly happy in the heat of the moment. When River left, all he left behind was guilt, regret, and the memory of his lips.

“I don’t know.”

McAfee nodded, considering his response. “Break up with him.”

“What?” Payton looked at her, shocked.

“You don’t know if you’re happy with him, which means you’re probably not, and you just don’t want to say it. In any case, if he’s not making you happy, whether you’re sad or indifferent, that makes him a distraction, not to mention a scandal. Think what would happen if, in ten or twenty or however many years, someone digs up the fact that you cheated on Alice, not to mention with someone who was already in a relationship. People would think of you as a liar, someone who omits the truth. No one is going to vote for that.”

Payton breathed deeply, in and out. “You’re right. I can’t keep doing this to Alice.”

“I still support you. Not for cheating, that’s low, but however you identify.”

“Thank you, McAfee,” Payton said, touched.

The light turned green, and Payton started to drive.

Six days later, Payton sat in the shade with a book, waiting for River to arrive. As usual, River arrived exactly on schedule. They greeted each other, but Payton couldn’t look him in the eye.

They sat in their usual spots, either side of Payton’s chess table, and spoke in Mandarin for a few minutes. Payton could barely focus on the language; he knew he was making several mistakes, but for once he didn’t care to correct himself.

Finally, River sighed, and spoke in English. “Payton, you seem extremely distracted. Is everything okay?”

Payton looked into River’s deep eyes, and God, how could he break up with him if it meant losing this?

“I changed my alarm back,” Payton confessed. River nodded, not judging, inviting him to continue. “The first day was so awful. I left second period and I think I had an anxiety attack in the toilets near the cafeteria. I kept feeling like things were all wrong, so I changed it back. I’m sorry.” He stared at the chess board below him, using all his willpower to stop himself from arranging the pieces to be perfect.

“It’s okay, Payton. That was a huge step, and I’m proud of you for making it through that one day. It’s something we can try again if you want to, once you’re more comfortable with the idea of it. Don’t feel bad, okay? You tried, and that’s enough.” River smiled at him, subtle and genuine like always, and it tore Payton apart.

“That’s not all.” Payton mumbled, staring once again at the chess board.

“What is it, Payton?” River, perfect River, always willing to help Payton, genuinely caring about him, beautiful and kind and never judgemental. He deserved the world, and Payton couldn’t give it to him.

“We need to break up.”

River blinked, confused. “What? I don’t understand.”

Payton looked away. “We can’t keep doing this, this thing we have. I… I love you, but I also love Alice. No one’s going to vote for someone who cheats on people to be their president. This, it’s just wrong. Sneaking around like this, this isn’t how a politician should act.”

“Payton, you’re not a politician. You’re still in high school.” River reached over to place a hand on his arm, but Payton stood up and moved a few steps away. He was sure if River touched him, he would break, and cave to his desires. That wasn’t an option. His career had to come first. Not to mention that if Payton screwed up, Alice, McAfee and James would never get to the White House, and that would be his fault. Desire could come later, when he was a tenant of the Oval Office.

“I’m in high school now, but I won’t be forever. Real life is out there, River, and I have to start preparing. No more of this lying and cheating. I… I can’t do it. I’m sorry.”

River stood, slowly closing the distance between them until he stood just a foot away. “Is that really what you want?”

No, Payton wanted to say. No, I want you, and I want Alice too, and I’m too selfish for my own good. I want to be president, but I want to be normal. I want to get out of my mind and just be happy or feel anything at all for more than an hour for once in my goddamn life.

“Yes.”

Something almost indiscernible closed over River’s eyes, already shutting him out, closing the barrier between the golden past and the unknown future. They gazed into each other’s eyes for a long, awful moment, and it was all Payton could do to keep from breaking down. River looked confused, lost, and so utterly hurt. Payton had never seen such an expression on River’s face, and he would rather be torn limb from limb than be the one who had put it there. He wished he could just kiss him and take it all back, but McAfee was right. River was a distraction.

River opened his mouth minutely as if to speak, then turned away. He picked up his Mandarin book and crossed the room. In the doorway, he turned back, and Payton silently begged him to say something, anything.

River turned and left without another word.

**Author's Note:**

> Me? Posting part one and part two of a three-part series within just a few hours of each other? It's more likely than you think. If part three isn't up by tonight, I will be surprised. If not, though, it'll be up some time in the next few days.
> 
> I think Payton's reasons for breaking it off with River in this are actually pretty plausible for canon, but that's just my opinion.
> 
> All feedback much appreciated. Thanks for reading :)


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